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Wednesday, August 2, 2006
England Safe From Threat Of Islamic Terrorists On Tiny Little Motor Bikes
Bold action is taking place in England, where legislators vowed to crack down on kids riding motorized bikes, promising to subject them to "fines and points on their drivers license" -- whenever they become old enough to actually get one. One might wonder how scared these 10-year-olds might be of the threat "If you don't stop this right now, we'll punish you in seven to eight years !!" but this story comes from an English newspaper, and I quickly stopped asking rhetorical questions after noticing the section where young, nubile teens show their breasts next to the crossword puzzle. Excuse me for a moment. Man, those are nice. Mmmmmmm. Anyway, British police are now pulling the kids off their mini-scooters, writing them tickets and failing to mention how fucking goofy those things make them look.
Monday, June 26, 2006
Taking Some "Quality Time"
Hey Kids !! StupidChildren.com is enjoying a well deserved summer break, so we'll be updating less frequently for the next few weeks and running some of our favorite episodes of "That Darn Chauncey" Use the time to catch up on that paperwork, or maybe take up a hobby other than stamp collecting. Jesus, do you have any idea how embarrassing that is for your father ? He wanted you to play football, but all you can do is talk about that stupid stamp with the upside down airplane. Seriously. He's dead inside.
Friday, June 23, 2006
Women Are Great Drivers
POMPANO BEACH -- A 19-year-old woman flunked her driver's license exam on Wednesday after she drove a borrrowed taxi-cab into a canal, authorities said. The woman's neighbor, a Broward Taxi Co. cab driver, took her to the testing agency agency at 2712 W. Atlantic Blvd, city spokeswoman Sandra King said. The cab driver agreed to let the woman practice by herself in the parking lot around 11 a.m. "He said, 'The next thing I knew the car is going through the bushes and heading toward the canal,'" King said "The car was halfway submerged." He ran over and pulled her out. "Needless to say, she did not pass the driver's license test," King added.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
"Keep Our Kids Poorly Fed !!"
Kids are portly little vermin these days, no more so than in Boston, Massachusetts, where Senator Jarrett Barrios was horrified to find his third-grade son with a "Fluffernutter sandwich" -- a traditional "Massachusetts Treat" that combines peanut butter with marshmallow fluff. He wants to introduce legislation that would "ban schools from offering the local delicacy more than once a week as the main meal of the day." Okay, don't serve the kids your "crap-o-rama" sandwich and call it "lunch" more than once a week. Fine, right ? I mean, that's still every five days, which is a thought that horrifies the shit out of me. Ah, but not Representative Kathi-Ann Reinstein, who thinks that kids need MORE Fluffernutter sandwiches, and wants to designate it as "the official sandwich of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts" "I'm going to fight to the death for Fluff," said Reinstein, proudly proclaiming what might be the worst campaign slogan ever.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
"Hang From This, Mr. Rodent !"
"Kids love dead animals !" my grandfather would always say, shortly before the debut of another underwhelming Christmas (the worst part was having to write the "thank you" notes) So it should come as no surprise that the kids in Nanuet, New York, are having a grand old time with nature's plaything, the opossum. Three 16-year-olds have been arrested after tying a cord around the dead animal, then lowering it from an overpass "just low enough to be hit by passing cars." The teenagers later did the same thing with a crow; at least one car was damaged.
Monday, June 19, 2006
"To A Whale Of A Dad..."
Dad sat there, the blood-covered "World's Greatest Pop" trophy in his shaking hands. He hadn't meant to do it, really, he hadn't. The old man reached for a broken Camel, pulling it unsteadily from the crumpled pack in his shirt, and lit it. Once, just once, they should have given him something better than socks or a tie. Maybe a box of steaks, or some booze. He laid six thousand out for Mother's Day, but knew that in June he'd get shafted again. "It's the thought that counts," he muttered, looking around at the pile of corpses in his living room. But still, if that was true, how could they misspell the word "Dad" on that handmade card ? Bad enough the lil' bastards couldn't spring for a round of golf, he had to suffer this kind of cheap bullshit ? Couldn't wash the car, or maybe let someone else cut the lawn on Sunday ? How about something other than chicken for dinner ? Would that have been too much to ask ? He took a last pull on his smoke, then flicked it onto the gas soaked carpet. "Happy Father's Day" he laughed. The flames kissed him with more passion than she had in ten years. Finally, it was over.
Friday, June 16, 2006
When Bat Boys Attack
Two fans at a Minnesota Twins - Boston Red Sox baseball game got more than they bargained for, after running out on the field and sliding past home plate. They weren't looking out for Nate Reese, a bat boy for Minnesota, who executed a perfect (and violent) tackle. "As soon as the guy rounded third, there weren't any guards around, so I thought I'd hit him," said Reese, who played rugby, and was a wrestler in high school. The men weren't arrested, but could face charges if the city attorney feels they're warranted. Both dugouts gave the bat boy a standing ovation; one of the coaches later presented Reese with a fishing pole. "Play of the game," said Minnesota Twins reliever Joe Nathan.
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Chick Fight
"A Douglas County Sheriff's Investigator, posing as a 14-year-old girl, started chatting on-line with 45-year-old Mark Asimus of Denver, CO. According to investigators, Asimus told the investigator that he wanted to pay the girl to aggressively beat up another teenage girl. "He did tell investigators that he didn't want to videotape it, but wanted to actually physically see the assault take place," said Lieutenant Alan Stanton with the Douglas County Sheriff's Office. "He wanted to observe this for pleasure," said Stanton, "He had a fetish or a fascination with watching women fighting." Asimus is being held in lieu of $25,000 bond."
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
"Hey, Good Luck Tomorrow !!"
It was a late night for assistant track coach Len Luedke. He was traveling with the girls track team in Lacrosse, Wisconsin, and you can only listen to high school girls sing "Ninety-Nine Bottle Of Beer" so many times before you lose your shit. So he went for a beer himself...six of them. Nothing strange there; teaching and booze are something of a tradition in this country. Later, at 3:30am, a drunken Luedke staggered into the dorm where the girls were staying, used their bathroom, then crawled into bed. Crawled into bed with one of the female athletes. Crawled into bed with one of the female athletes from another high school. This sort of behavior doesn't go unnoticed in Wisconsin, and the girls got their coach to remove the unknown authority figure. The next morning, he claimed that "he couldn't remember what happened" (apparently, nothing did, and he hasn't been charged with a crime) Still, talk about psyching out the other team.
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