|
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Fun With The Kids
One time, my girlfriend and I were sitting at the bar of a Mexican restaurant, and were mildly perturbed to find ourself next to a family with two young children. "We were just at parent-teacher night, and Brian got very good comments..." the mother explained, "...so we told him he could go anywhere he wanted for dinner !" "So you took him to a bar ? Cool !" I replied. Brian piped up "I wanted to see football, because the 49ers are my favorite team !" I glanced over at Monday Night Football, playing on the television in the bar. "Are all your friends 49ers fans, too ?" I asked the 8-year-old. "My best friend Jamie doesn't like the 49ers, because he's an Oakland Raiders fan." I leaned closer. "Do me a favor, Brian. When Jamie turns fifteen and wants you to go for a ride in a car "he just found" -- don't go with him, okay ? Just trust me on this one." At that point, Dad shot me a nasty look and the children weren't allowed to talk to me anymore, which was fine because they shouldn't have been in the goddamn bar in the first place. But at least they weren't rewarding the kids with marijuana.
Monday, June 12, 2006
You Gotta Know When To Fold Them
Tragedy struck a family in Jacksonville, Florida, when a 16-year-old boy and his 12-year old companion came across a loaded handgun. The teenager, Sean Jones, asked his friend if he could hold the gun, then unloaded all but one of the bullets. "This is the game that me and my cousin used to play," he bragged to the younger boy. Jones then picked up the revolver and spun the cylinder, placed it in his mouth, pulled the trigger, and blew his head clean off. "I had no idea he knew about that game" said Freddie Sanders, his grandfather.
Friday, June 9, 2006
The System Works ?
Nicole Pasquarelli and Ruth Nazoliny, whose high school classmates graduated three years ago, will finally receive their diplomas Friday after scoring high enough on their 11th attempt at the Massachusetts graduation exit exam. "I can't emphasize strongly enough how much we applaud these girls," said Education Department spokeswoman Heidi Perlman. "These girls have been personally committed to their education and they've believed in themselves." Nazoliny, who graduates from Jeremiah Burke High School in Boston, declined an interview request.
Thursday, June 8, 2006
Time Off For Good Behavior
Thomas Everett, a teacher at Sheepshead Bay High School in Brooklyn, NY, requested 60 to 90 days of unpaid leave from his job, citing that he had "problems with the State of New Jersey Judicial System" and "must fulfill an obligation to the State." (hint - the State of New Jersey wasn't asking him to bake cupcakes for their annual "Kiss Her Where It Smells; Take Her To New Jersey" festival) Someone at the school thought this was "odd" and picked up the phone, discovering that Everett had recently been convicted of stealing more than a million dollars from elderly women. Such a crime carries a three year prison sentence, but Everett assumed that our pansy-ass legal system would bump it down to 60 days (and he assumed correctly) "We get some strange ones, but this one is a little different," said an investigator for the school system. Everett's request for time off was denied, and he was fired.
Wednesday, June 7, 2006
Now THAT'S Educational
Sue Messenger, a high school teacher in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, spent more than 20 years setting up fake crime scenes for her forensics course, complete with realistic looking skeletons and other evidence. On Monday, she accompanied students of another such field trip, where they "oohed" and "ahhed" over the simulated corpses. "The first thing we thought was, 'That's a real good dummy she set up,'" said Juan Cantor, a 15-year-old student. Alas, no, what the kids had found was the dead body of David Wayne Bodie, 45, a local homeless man who had "died of natural causes" in the park. Pay attention kids; that's probably going to be on the test.
Tuesday, June 6, 2006
El Pollo Gone Wild !!
Senior prank ? Good times; me and some friends rounded up a bunch of Mexican immigrants and locked them in our school. They're still there, too. You should see our soccer field; fucking beautiful, the best in the state. In Fort Kent, Maine, six high school seniors were suspended and charged with criminal mischief after letting more than fifty geese and chickens loose in their school. "The pranksters put the birds in the school gym, in classrooms, in lockers, in offices and into a drawer of a teacher's desk." said Principal Tim Doak. School was closed for "health reasons" and the entire building was disinfected and sterilized. Closed the school ? Closed the GODDAMN SCHOOL ? Here's an idea...the next time students release a couple of dozen chickens in the school, LIGHT UP THE GRILL and tell the kids that "Clucky and Friends" had a brush with the Colonel. Do you have any idea how many schools in South Africa would LOVE a senior prank that involves a free lunch ? What a nation of pussies we've become.
Monday, June 5, 2006
Granny Gonna Cap That Ass, Bee-yatch !!
Grandma and Grandpa love you. They bake you cookies, and give your sugarplums, and let you sleep over when Daddy had too much to drink and Mommy was mouthing off and they just needed some time to goddamn work things out so get in the car, OKAY ? But never you forget, they were parents to someone other than you. And when the shit hits the fan, they'll pay a convict a hundred bucks to ice your little grandchild ass. Because it's all about "family" my little ones. Last one hired, first one fired.
Friday, June 2, 2006
"What Do You Mean You Don't Recognize Your Parents ?"
It's tragic when an 18-year-old girl suffers a horrible automobile accident, bringing her family to her side for weeks of prayer, support, and earnest hopes that she'll somehow pull through. It's even more tragic when that girl wakes up, and you realize that you've spent the last five weeks at the bedside of the WRONG GIRL. Although the parents of Laura VanRyn, of Indiana, were told that their daughter had been injured in a car crash and faithfully waited by her bed to wake up, dental records later revealed that their daughter was in fact dead, and that the unconscious woman was another passenger in the car. VanRyn's parents were later quoted as saying both girls bore an "uncanny resemblance" -- (I know exactly what they mean; after a while, all the bitches look the same to me, espicially from behind) The other set of parents were quickly summoned to the hospital. You know that's going to be an awkward Thanksgiving next year. "Mom, can you pass the potatoes, assuming you remember WHAT I LOOK LIKE ?"
Thursday, June 1, 2006
Drunk And Hungry
Good old Southern Indiana University, home of those "Ferocious Woodchucks" (or not...I mean, who in the hell knows ? It's Southern Indiana, for christ sake...) The young men and women attending that bastion of book-learning can now wallow in the pride that comes with having their dean arrested for "biting the man who stopped to help him after a car accident" Robert E. Mays admits that he was drunk, and that he bit the passer-by who tried to stop him from getting back into his car after the accident. In court, Mays admitted he "bit the man's calf, leaving a bruise and bite marks" and promised to seek treatment for his drinking problem. Go Ferocious Woodchucks !! Whoooo !!
|
  
|
