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Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Yes, But Will They Support Our Public Schools ?
As a website (nay, a public service) we run messed-up stories about kids all the time. Hell, if two kids were having a "lawnmower fight" and one of them suffered life-threatening lacerations, we'd toss that bad boy on the front page and call it a night. It's the kind of people we are...cruel and heartless bastards. You're welcome. Tell your friends. But one thing we've shied away from is stories about child molesters, mainly because it's hard to come up with appropriate jokes ("Why was the nine-year-old girl impregnated by her father ?" "Cause she was drunk !") It's just not an easy sell, and anyway, we'd rather not pop up first on Google when you search for "Horrific Child Abuse" That being said, we had to share this little gem of a story. In Amsterdam, Dutch pedophiles are organizing a political party, pushing for a cut in the age of consent from 16 to 12, and the legalization of child pornography. Even in a country where heroin and hookers are legal, this concept is raising some eyebrows. Another promise is to "allow pornography to be broadcast on daytime television, with only violent pornography limited to the late evening" Also, teenagers over the age of sixteen would be allowed to appear in pornographic films and to prostitute themselves, and sex with animals would be legal (but "abuse of animals should remain illegal" -- which means you have to buy dinner for that sheep, I guess) "We want to get into parliament so we have a voice" said Ad van den Berg, one of the party's founders. "Other politicians only talk about in a negative sense, as if we were criminals."
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Child Is All Chewy, Jittery
"LOWER BURRELL, Pa. -- A suburban Pittsburgh middle school student has been suspended for three days for sharing chewing gum that contains caffeine. Burrell School District Superintendent Amy Palermo said products acting as a stimulant are prohibited and possessing them is grounds for disciplinary action. She said the Jolt brand gum is a stimulant that has no other redeeming quality. The school has soda machines, but they aren't turned on during school hours and drinks containing caffeine aren't sold in the lunchroom. Palermo said the suspension was mainly based on the girl's decision to share the gum with another student. Jolt is marketed as a caffeine-energy gum."
Friday, May 26, 2006
Teens Gone "BAAAAAAAD"
Faithful readers, you're all informed people of the world. You know what kind of shit goes down in our inner cities; the drugs, the booze, the rampant crime that makes you want to buy a shotgun and tell Grandma to KEEP TO HER SIDE OF THE BED, DAMNIT !! But the kids in Rowan County, North Carolina, have hit a new low...stealing goats and cows so they could sell them at auctions. Jesus, even the crime in North Carolina is dull (unless you go to Duke) Cory Foster and Daniel Black, 19, were caught by police in the act of stealing cows and other livestock. One farmer reported eight goats stolen; seventeen were returned to him (ask your Mom if this confuses you) Yeah, this story is really going to play in prison - "What you in here for, white boy ?" "Stealing pregnant goats. You ?"
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Teaching (With Style)
You need to have respect for middle school teacher Sterling Johnson. Sure, he showed up for school drunk (haven't we all ?) But the real act of hutzpah was to order one of his students "to retrieve a bottle of cognac from his car" so he could keep drinking. He then proceeded to hit on two of his 13-year-old students, rubbing the buttocks and thighs of one of them, and making a "sexual remark" to the other. Johnson, 55, was an industrial arts teacher at the Pruitt Military Academy for over twenty years. The superintendent of the St. Louis school system plans to have him fired, at which time it's gonna be ONE HELL OF A RETIREMENT PARTY !!
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
When PBS Turns Bad
"Yo nigga, so I'm tricking out my tricycle with some 20" Dubs, rolling that shit up pimp style, and Mrs. Miller starts trippin cause I was all up in my Sesame Street colors. Bitch tries to front, talking all this shit about the ends she got to "increase the peace" but I'm all like "Bitch, ain't nothing gonna stop me from slinging these rocks, fosheezy ? Then it's nap time and apple juice, and you know I'm hitting that shit up cause Sarah J. already pushed out mats together, and I'm down with that hoo ditty doo, you know what I'm saying ? Shit, just lying back in this bitch like a motherfucker, sporting Bert and Ernie and just percolating. Awww, yeah. Kindergarten, nigga. Either they don't know, don't show, or don't care about what's going on behind the Lincoln Logs."
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
SHOES !!! AHHHHHHHH !!!
In what will surely provide some great conversations during therapy for the next twenty years, a six-year-old boy is recovering after being bitten by a rabid bat while shopping at a discount shoe store with his mother. Never mind how creepy those places are when you're a kid; the old man bending over reeking of sweat and failure, holding that weird metal thing, demanding you take off your socks, and later your underwear while the two of you are alone in that cold and dark back room MOMMY WHERE ARE YOU ?? Anyway, "rabid bat" isn't one of those common childhood fears you run across while shoe shopping (maybe it should be ?) A whole bunch of needles in the stomach later, the boy is fine and wearing discount shoes from Payless. And if this whole episode isn't motivation for him to do his homework and grow "not poor" then I'll be goddamned if I know what is.
Monday, May 22, 2006
"The Wheel In Your House Goes Round And Round"
OLYMPIA, Wash. (AP) - A practical joker got a taste of revenge when friends turned part of his apartment into a human-sized hamster cage, complete with shredded newspaper bedding, a six-foot exercise wheel and a giant water bottle. "It was a lot of work, but it was one of those cases where you do it because you have to," said Keith Jewell, a longtime friend and neighbor who engineered Monday's hamster-cage prank on Luke Trerice.
Friday, May 19, 2006
"I'M TOTALLY STONED...OH YEAH !!!"
First, there was the happy meal. But kids weren't satisfied with soggy french fries and cheap cardboard boxes (which, incidentally, were replaced by paper bags...how fucking lame is that ?) and they sought out new and exciting foodstuffs. Exciting munchables. Dangerous candies. Homemade concoctions, like "Happy Crack" In Pennsylvania, fourteen students have been suspended for "imitating drug activity" when they made and passed out "Happy Crack" - a mixture of sugar and Kool-Aid crystals, which they sold in labeled plastic bags. Parents are outraged, calling the sugar fueled suspensions "an overreaction" "My own kids used to make it at school. It's Kool-Aid and sugar," said one mother. "It's colored. It doesn't look like drugs, it looks like Pixy Stix. I didn't find anything wrong with it."
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Teacher Remembers All Those Times He Was Mocked As A Child
The internet isn't just for porn and the ordering of penis-related supplements (I mean, it obviously is, but let's just pretend it's not for the sake of argument) These days, kids are using that internet to poke gentle fun at their teachers, like 15-year-old Alex Davis. Alex created a webpage on MySpace, and pretended he was Robert Muzzillo, a teacher at his school. The page insinuated a fondness for Michael Jackson, midget wrestling, and being attacked by an alligator (sounds like just another night in Fort Lauderdale) The page was discovered; the teen was suspended for three days. Case closed ? Lesson learned ? Hell no. This being America and all, Muzzillo then proceeded to file a lawsuit, alleging "criminal defamation of character" (apparently, the concept of "taking a fucking joke" never occurred to him) "This has all gotten kinda bizarre," said the teen's father.
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