Note to the kiddies...if a homeless guy walks up to you on the beach, offers to cast you in a Johnson & Johnson television commercial, and then proceeds to lick your feet, that's a good time to be "suspicious"

Steven Michael Jones, 43, is being held in Orange County, California, after being charged with five felony counts of lewd acts with a child, and one count of "child annoyance" (hey lawmakers, how about "adult annoyance" law, for those of us who want to eat our food in a restaruant without kids SCREAMING AND RUNNING ALL OVER THE GODDAMN PLACE !!) The kids were reportedly fooled because Jones was wearing a suit, and "It's unusual for someone to wear a suit to the beach" according to a Sheriff's Department spokesman.

This was not the first time Jones had tricked boys into licking their feet; he'd successfully pulled the same trick before at a nearby beach. Which simply goes to prove that kids are idiots and should be locked in a cellar until their 18th birthday, until such time as they become physically mature enough for military service.

Read - "Homeless Foot-Licker Charged In California" [abc3340.com]

Teenagers are illiterate little bastards who would better serve this nation by making discount sneakers in a sweatshop, rather than sucking up all those tax dollars I'm supposed to send to the government every April. Proof positive; we're trying to teach them how to "read" and "write" (bah !)

Anyway, a teacher in Missouri recently provoked a minor outcry after giving the assignment "write about who you would kill and how you would do it" to his high school students. The teacher, Michael Maxwell, doesn't even teach creative writing, but a beginning drafting class (ie: mechanical and engineering related writing and drawing) so the whole "who needs to die ?" thing is...odd.

"He's an exemplary person," said the principal of the school, adding "this is very out of character."

Read - "Teacher Has Kids Write About Whom They'd Murder" [wesh.com]

Kids love cartoons !! (kids and young adults who have trouble forming adult relationships) And in Japan, it's no different, except scarier and more obsessive (whee !!) In Tokyo, police are trying to identify "who" was in the box that an obsessed cartoon fan sent to a television station, after his favorite cartoon was preempted by "The World Table-Tennis Championships" The box contained cremated ashes and bits of bone (talk about sending your mother to speak on your behalf) Police are trying to use DNA to solve the mystery, but remain pessimistic.

"Many of the people who watch our animated programs are very enthusiastic about them and we did receive a number of letter and emails complaining about our decision to continue the table-tennis coverage," said a spokesman for the network. "This one seems to have been a big fan of the show."

Read - "Angry Viewer Sends Human Remains To Japan TV Station" [reuters.com]

Not content with their usual hobby of irritating Muslims, Danish teenagers protested their Finance Ministry on Thursday by dumping 440 pounds of cooked spaghetti (complete with tomato sauce) in the building. The teens were protesting cuts in their student grants, designed to "encourage Danish students to finish their education more quickly" (ie: stop smoking all that goddamn pot and get a job, like selling pot to others)

In a statement to the press, the students said "The government's planned reduction...forces young people to live below subsistence level," and that the whole pasta thing was them "setting up a youth buffet"

Which, if you smoke lots of premium Danish pot, is totally hysterical. I guess.

Read - "Protesters Pour Spaghetti On Dane Offices" [cbs.com]

In Skowhegan, Maine (long known for it's clever "Show Me Your Hegans" t-shirts) a 43-year-old woman is facing assault charges after helping her daughter and two of her classmates bake cookies laced with laxatives, then giving them to their teacher.

The mother, 43-year-old Julie Hunt, showed the girls how to grind up an entire box of laxatives and stir them into the cookie batter, then helped them write a note that read "We made these cookies just for you, hope you enjoy them." The plot was discovered after the principal heard two of the girls discussing the incident.

None of the girls have been charged for their involvement, but they've all been suspended. And you gotta figure that their teacher is going to be giving them a lot of shit when they return (zing !)

Read - "Mom Said To Help Girls Bake Ex-Lax Cookies" [abc3340.com]

Stephen Domonkos, 18, of Chesterton, Indiana, has been arrested on a felony charge of running his best friend over with a car. Domonkos reportedly told police "he didn't think what occurred was a serious matter since they had done it countless times for fun."

The fun ended after he suddenly accelerated to 25mph, slammed into Michael Morris, 17, and watched his friend crash into the windshield and start screaming. Morris suffered multiple injuries, including a broken arm and leg (and "road rash") He remains in fair condition at a nearby hospital, where he told a reporter "I won't do this no more."

Read - "Teen Asks Pal To Run Him Over" [thetimesonline.com]

Having trouble figuring out what to get Mom for Mother's Day ? Why not slap a pair of nice, firm breasts on the old gal...Not only will she fill out that black cocktail dress, but you'll be dreaming of those first meals all over again !!

That's the sort of creepy shit going in in South Korea, a country which constantly asks America to leave, but then says "just kidding !" whenever we actually consider the option (national sovereignty is one thing, but giving up a high speed internet connection so you can fucking pick rice all day for an insane midget is another)

Kids are treating Mom and Dad to cosmetic surgery for special occasions; botox, face lifts, rounder eyes, vagina straightening. "Parents who have always sacrificed for their children are now more bold in asking for what they want," said one news agency. Ahhhh...what better way to say "I Love You" than a gesture which screams "You're imperfect, but this will make you less so."

Read - "South Koreans Show Parental Love With Face Lifts" [yahoo.com]

Ahhhh, the hectic life of the everyday working mom. What with that career, planning nutritious meals for the family, shopping for shoes, etc, a mother just doesn't have the time she used to for "quality time" with the kids. That's where the two greatest words in a mothers lexicon come in - "Daycare" and "Grandma" Both can help out, look after the children, prevent that eventual visit from child protective services.

That's what a woman in Omaha, Nebraska thought when she gave her baby to Grandma, with strict instructions to drop the child off at daycare. Granny seemed to be in a hurry, so she drove up to the home, handed the baby and a diaper bag to the woman who answered the door, and drove off. One problem...it was the wrong house.

Later afternoon, Mom was enjoying some "quiet time" when she happened to notice her baby's picture on the news. A quick trip to foster care later (followed by some explanations) and the child was retuned. Police don't plan to file charges, since the whole incident was a "misunderstanding" and being "stupid" isn't apparently a crime in Nebraska.

Read - "Grandma Drops Baby Off At Wrong Address" [abc3340.com]

It's with great and throbbing pride that we introduce the new and improved "That Darn Chauncey" archives. Drop your crack pipe and check it out now...DO IT FOR YOUR COUNTRY !! (whatever country that may be; they're pretty much all the same)

Sure, the underpaid and harshly criticized labor that makes up our "technical support staff" has been toiling away for weeks, while we sat back and enjoyed delicious frozen drinks, but man oh man, those new archives look GREAT ! Plus, you can now vote for your favorite strips (it's like telling us how much we suck, but in reverse !)

What are you waiting for ? Scamper on over and check out the new "That Darn Chauncey" archives, then sit back and contemplate how perfect your world has suddenly become.

New And Improved "That Darn Chauncey" Archives