"Fuck Coma Girl !"

Spring, 2005

Like big boss man don't make me do enough shit around here, now I got to write things for fucking website ? I don't even speak English as first language, but they making me do this bullshit. Next thing you know, they have me answering phone for international t-shirt order, speaking with smelly French people, eat too much cheese. Fuck all you roundeyes.

Chu fucking hate the news. Everyone now, they talking about coma girl. "Coma girl so brave, need feed coma girl" "Oh, look at coma girl, she just blink at me" "Come wipe shit from coma girl ass, then give her another steak" Hey white Christian people, how about you fuck coma girl and feed Chu ? I don't know what feeding tube is, but it more feeding than Chu get, I tell you.

I live in back of warehouse with barking doberman, and all I get to eat is KFC snack pack that boss man leaves on my desk each afternoon. Sometimes, he throw it to dog and say "Dog gotta eat too" Then when he leave, I go and punch dog in nuts, take back chicken and gravy. You ever get bitten by angry doberman, fighting over who get to lick the wet nap ? Fuck coma girl !! She not even awake, people line up to feed her. This country for shit, for sure.

All those people outside coma girl hospital, holding hands and singing and praying ? Hey all you assholes...here song for you to sing:

"Come feed Chu
Come feed Chu
Give him lots of money too
Chu work hard
Chu love you
Come feed Chu"

I should have been a rapper like my hommie Master P.

Other news, Johnnie Cochran die, so you know what that means...niggas going back to jail again. For long time, Johnnie was smooth motherfucker. O.J. kill some white girl, Johnnie just throw arms up in air and say "He no do it !" and O.J. go free. Black people all happy, because he go free, but I no see pictures of him in paper dating black girls. They know, if your man used to hack bitches up with knife, you no go out with him. Johnnie Cochran, he confuse white people by rapping at them -- "If the glove don't fit, you must let that motherfucker go" and it work !! Shit, that sound you hear is black America crying, because now they can't break law no more. I don't care he dead, fuck him. You never see Johnnie defend no Asian kid with dragon tattoo, talking about he no guilty. But stick a plunger in a black man ass, and he come to your house. Fuck Johnnie Cochran, and fuck coma girl.

Other story in news right now, is Boy Scout leader with pictures of little kids. I believe this shit, too. One time, I go on Boy Scout trip, and I say "Yo man, where all the other kids ?" He just laugh and undo his belt, and I think "Oh shit, he going fuck Chu in the ass !!" But I wrong, he just hit me with belt, over and over and over and over. And over. Then I pass out, and when I wake up three days later, my asshole all red and sore. I never know that being hit with belt make you hurt in ass, but trust Chu, it does.

Letsee, what else in paper today ? Iraqi government having problems being government. What that about ? First, they slaves to Saddam, so America come and drop like a billion fucking bomb on them. Then, after Iraqi people crawl out of radioactive rubble that used to be their home, we send like forty thousand troop in there "mop up" We give them elections, tell them "go be free" and they too busy arguing and putting towels on their heads to do it. What the fuck ?

Chu want to be free !! Chu like a slave, selling t-shirts over internet, trying to keep angry dog from biting his nuts off. No one come and invade Chu, kill boss man, give Chu million dollars. One day I make super powerful Chu bomb, kill all the white people, then leave Chu alone in country with nothing but sweet ass bitches. Yeah, you know what the fuck Chu talking about. Pimp style, you know what I mean ? Just like I dream about on boat ride here. Old lady say "We going to land of freedom and opportunity, milk and honey" Chu say "We going to land of pussy and fast cars !" One day, I own this motherfucker, and you people who buy t-shirts, I remember you and hook you up. Maybe let you watch me fuck Olsen twins on daytime TV. That be like number one show, why they no do it ? Fuck Donald Trump, Iraqi government, Johnnie Cochran, and fuck coma girl. I'm out like fresh stream trout, motherfuckers !!!

Chu is the eight year old supervisor of the Stupid Children corporate warehouse.

Also by Chu

"Hurricanes Are Good Because They Kill More White People"

"A Message From Chu" (stupidchildrenstore.com)