Stupid Children is proud to present the debut of "Ask Mr. Henderson" - an advice column from the creator of the award winning comic strip "That Darn Chauncey"

Mr. Henderson, 77, was born and raised in Laguna del Carbon, Argentina, then emigrated to the United States shortly after the end of World War II. For the next fifty years, he lived a life largely out of the public spotlight, except for the occasional lecture to schoolchildren on the importance of milk.

Dear Mr. Henderson,

I really like "That Darn Chauncey" - it keeps me from crying at night. My friends and I want to know, do you have any children ? Are they smart and funny like you ?

-Monica (Panorama City, California)

Before this, I want to welcome you for reading weekly column. When Stupid Children website first tell me of contractual obligation, I want to call column "Mr. Henderson Travels Around South America And Has Sex With Many Fifteen Year Old Prostitutes" - but the website, they say they have no money. They say, maybe people read Mr. Henderson, buy t-shirts, send us money, and we can get old asian woman to give special hand-job called "the ringworm" So I am hopeful for column success.

To answer your question, my wife, the Cookie, entire time we are married, she give birth to four children, three of which are mine. My oldest son, I call "Son of UPS Man" - he is no good. When he was young, I teach him everything he needs to be man; drink scotch, sex with whores, smoke cigarettes. Then he go to prison and learn how to smoke sausage. This boy, is like living with "Jimmy Dean" in my house, is how bad.

Youngest son, he is no much better. I love him like he was my biological offspring, but yesterday I catch him smoking hookah with his dumb friends. I can't believe my eyes; my family, is from Argentina, and he is pretending he is "Sultan of the Fuckup Kingdom ?" I go over, I say to him "What are you, smoking the marijuana ?" Because Mr. Henderson knows something about smoking the marijuana. Back in the 70's, when you could grow that shit in your front yard and no one care, me and the Cookie, we would get so toasty, I would let her sex the black men, all the time. Back then, the bedroom, it smelled like astro-glide and fried chicken. Anyway, my son, the Sheik, he say "No father, we are smoking cherry flavored tobacco" What the fuck is this ? Do I have two faggots in my family ? Whatever happened to drinking some beers, maybe some heroin on a Saturday night ? What woman fuck a man who smokes "cherry flavored tobacco" in a hookah, other than some sand princess with TNT up her coochie every time she gets on a plane ? I hope Allah is with him, because I'm kicking his ass out of basement.

Then there is plain daughter, the unattractive one. After this one was born, I make the Cookie have all the other baby cut from her, because I realize that squeezing girls out that way makes them unpretty. Is not that plain daughter is ugly; many men have drunkenly stumbled out of her bedroom in the morning, cleaning the sick of their shirts as they make the "walk of shame" down the stairs, stopping only to grab a "Pop-Tart" and a handful of change for the bus, from the dish by the front door. But from when I hold her as a little girl, I say to myself "Mr. Henderson, you be sure to send this one to college, because she is going to have to make her way in the world without keeping a man" And is true today...now, instead of cooking and cleaning and trying to be a woman, her big thing is riding the horses after work. I guess is no surprise that she would be drawn to horses as a grown woman, after seeing all those naked black men around the house as a child. I not even know her address, she no tell me. So the other day, I telephone plain daughter, and when she pick up the phone, I hang up. Because this is all we have in common.

Lastly, there is pretty daughter, who is my favorite (I put this on all the other children's presents at Christmas time, just so they know to try better) When she was young, oh how she would light up the room, with golden hair and eyes !! We had so many men in the neighborhood drive by in their vans, trying to get her to climb in, and she would, every one. Sometime, she not come back for weeks. But then she come back, often with money in her little four year old hand ! Plain daughter, I would give the math textbooks, but to pretty daughter, I would hold in my arms and say "Is most important thing to be pretty and popular. Take good care of that thing between your legs, and you will never have to work an honest day in your life. Maybe job at a boutique, if you want to" Then I would give her money for candy and makeup and pretty clothes. I love pretty daughter.

So that is all the children the courts have been able to prove, and mostly, they are disappointment. I send all the children through school, cost me hundreds of thousands of dollars, I get nothing. So my advice to you, "In grand scheme of life, education is not so much. When I was young boy, I was honor student, but my kids are still idiots"

Dear Mr. Henderson,

Is it true that you used to be a Nazi ?

-Natalie (Address Withheld)

You know, I get so tired explaining this, especially to the authorities (damn war crimes tribunal...if I had known all the fuss, I would have never packed that pillowcase full of gold teeth) I will say ONE LAST TIME...it has never been proven that I was member of the Argentinean Nazi Party. I have had many Jews inside my home to fix things, and I would not have any problems if one of my daughters married a minority, as long as it was plain daughter. Yes, in 1943, Herr Goebbels did present me with the "Iron Cross for Excellence in the Field of Cartooning" but that was the extent of my involvement. Now please, leave an old man alone.