|
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Blaze Of Glory
I remember one time in college when my buddy and me were watching TV, our girlfriends by our sides. Out of boredom, I took a piece of paper, lit it on fire, then tossed it on my friend. He looked down, annoyed, then started to slap his fire-laden chest with his hand, while the womenfolk looked on in horror. "Why did you do that ?" my girlfriend shouted in an accusatory tone, "He could have really been hurt !" My friend looked over at me, shrugged, and said "It was funny." I only bring this up because it's nice to know that Japanese teenagers are just as fucked in the head as I am.
Guess This Means Detention
In Chicago, Thomas Murphy, a driver for UPS, was delivering packages in a quiet suburban neighborhood, when a pack of 15-20 middle school students started beating the crap out of him. "Somebody clocked me with a pipe. I took kicks from my right. My eyes caked over. I tried to get up and defend myself as best I could," said Murphy. A passing motorist called the police, who scared the lil' troublemakers away; several have been identified and are facing arrest.
Monday, January 30, 2006
I'm Going To Major In "Bitches"
Hell, I want to go to Seton Hall University. I mean, I've got that felony conviction (who knew that killing a man for sport was illegal in the State of Georgia ?) and I'm not all educated-able-type, but check out the fringe benefits ! Students who called the toll-free information number on their applications were connected to a line advertising "the opportunity to chat with hot horny girls...have conversations with students, housewives and working girls !" Apparently, this typographical error might have been present for several years, but none of the students bothered to mention it. Probably too busy filling out applications to THE COOLEST UNIVERSITY EVER. Until they got there and realized it was located in New Jersey. Talk about buzzkill.
Yo Quiero Methamphetamines
In my day, kids would get goofy on the happy pills and "then" buy thirty tacos at Taco Bell. Of course, these days, kids are rotten little bastards who want instant gratification, which is why they're allegedly having parties "at" Taco Bell, complete with copious amounts of drugs and alcohol. One girl, seventeen-year-old Amanda Kersey, claims that she was framed when police dropped by during an early morning "Booze and Burrito Fest" and found drugs in her purse. "I guess when the cops had come, somebody had freaked out...They didn't know where else to hide it." And now we know what makes the Nachos Supreme so "Supreme"
Friday, January 27, 2006
Thai One On
What's the coolest new fashion trend to sweep Thailand ? If you said "Women shooting ping-pong balls out of their vagina" then you are "so" behind the times, silly. No, these days teens are wearing multicolored braces to impress their friends, even if their teeth don't need them. Because professionally installed braces are so expensive, kids are buying "do-it-yourself" kits at stores and putting the braces on at home, selecting "differently colored rubber bands to match their outfits." Authorities are planning to fine the sellers of fake braces with six months in prison or a $1,300 fine (because braces aren't toys, kids !) Of course, for me, Thailand will always be that magical place where you can sail down a majestic river, and see young boys lining the riverbanks, patting their buttocks, and calling out "Two Dollar Butt-Butt !!" Hell of a country, Thailand. Wish I was there right now.
Because Drinking A Glass Of Water Would Have Been Too Easy
In Bogota, Colombia (where it snows year round, baby !) Rafael Vargas, 35, tried to cure his nephew of the hiccups by sneaking up to him and pointing a loaded gun at his neck. The surprise worked and the hiccups were cured, presumably after the gun accidently went off and the boy's head went flying in several different directions. Apparently, this was not quite what Vargas had in mind; after the accident, he "ran down the street a few meters before stopping and shooting himself in the head" according to a neighbor. The great tragedy of all this is that no one was rolling the videotape. Seriously, I'm thinking it would have been a big hit on "Colombia's Funniest Home Videos"
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Father Son Bonding Time
In Oregon, a father and son have been arrested after a confrontation with an Oregon State Police trooper, which ended after the father threw "both his prosthetic legs" at the officer. It was just after midnight, and Officer Don Newcomb noticed something odd about the sports utility vehicle driving down Highway 97; it was going the wrong direction. The car was pulled over, and Newcomb smelled alcohol on the breath of the driver. He asked Adam Kackstetter, 26, to step out of the car; his double amputee father, Joel Kackstetter, pushed his way out the passenger door and screamed "Let's get him !" The old man hobbled towards the trooper, claiming he would "rip his head off" The officer responded with a swift kick to the chest; Joel went down like a sack of bricks, and started crawling towards the woods. Meanwhile, his son tried to creep up behind Newcomb; who whipped around and handcuffed him. Joel the double amputee was still cursing and crawling around when the officer tackled him, and that's when the prosthetic legs came off and were used as offensive weapons. "I'm sure [the officer] felt it was threatening" said a fellow officer.
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Peer Pressure
First off, this story comes from Beaver Falls, Pennsylvania. How great is that ? ("Beaver Falls is falling down, falling down, falling down, Beaver Falls is falling down, cause I got her druuuuunk") Excuse me. Anyway, a 17-year-old high school student says he was "humiliated" after a teacher singled him out for wearing a Denver Broncos jersey in class (note to international readers - the Denver Broncos are a professional football team in America (that's football as in "American Football" as opposed to that international football which totally sucks) whereas people in Pennsylvania usually root for another team, the Pittsburgh Steelers. Why ? Hell if I know...) John Kelly, the teacher, allegedly made the student sit on the floor during a test, and encouraged the other students to throw crumpled balls of paper at him, while referring to the teen as "a stinking Denver fan," The teacher later went on to tell the press "If he felt uncomfortable, then that's a lesson...I can't believe he was upset."
Man, I Love That Brundi Stick
How many times do we have to say this ? Kids, if you want to get fucked up, go to that Chinese liquor store in your neighborhood, and send your tallest friend in there to buy a case of really shitty beer. That's all you have to do. I'll cost you, like, six bucks a person. You don't need to sniff glue, or suck freon from the refrigerator, or huff paint thinner, or shove the extremely rare Brundi Stick from South Brundi, Africa, up your ass so you can see the pretty colors. Just buy the goddamn beer, drink it in a parking lot, piss yourself, and go home so Dad can beat you. Stop picking weird plants and brewing them into tea that makes you shit yourself for 48 hours. Stupid goddamn kids; seriously, why do I even bother ?
Monday, January 23, 2006
Having The Family For Dinner
Brothers love to give their sisters a hard time. Myself, I remember tying pigtails to the back of a chair, while listening to the good natured laughter of adults. Of course, the times, they are a changin' In Sweden, Lennart Persson is facing charges that he murdered his two foster sisters and ate their breasts (whatever happened to just giving them a bit of a jiggle ?) "He claims that he drank the blood of both women (and) that he ate parts of one of the women's chest area," said the prosecutor. This being Sweden, you gotta figure this guy is looking at five, maybe even ten years in prison. And let me tell you something, mister, I would not want to be this guy's fucking cellmate.
Thank God It Wasn't Chocolate
Quick ! Is that strawberry sauce or blood on your hot fudge sundae ? A 12-year-old boy had problems figuring that one out; a task made more difficult by the oozing wound the McDonalds employee had on his finger. His mother came into the restaurant to complain, and was greeted with a hardy "Whatever you say, lady." A lawsuit is pending, complete with really icky testimony.
Friday, January 20, 2006
It's Australian For "Defendant"
Stereotypes are tricky things. I mean, we're discouraged from spreading them, but the fact is that most black people like fried chicken and watermelon (I'm not sold on the huge cock thing, though) Italians "do" wear gold chains with velvet tracksuits and talk like retards (especially in Long Island) and Asian kids are generally good at math (except for the ones who smoke lots of pot) Take Australians; they're supposed to be all jovial, say "G'day Mate !" and drink beer al the time. Dean Gordon Ramsey, 19, of Brisbane, Australia, was told to deliver his ass to court for charges of drinking in public. He went, and tried to plead "detox" and "rehab" -- at which point the judge stopped the trial so police could take away the large plastic bag of beers that Ramsey was allegedly drinking. The trial continued, but was stopped again after the defendant started eating a hamburger and his mobile phone kept ringing, annoying the judge. Yet another good reason why it's probably not a smart idea to defend yourself in court.
"I Said You Had The Right To Remain Quiet, Damnit !"
"I kept on shouting "My baby ! My baby ! My baby is in the car !" But he didn't seem to listen to me." said the distraught father. But the police ignored the man, placed him under arrest, and left the man's two-month-old son in the back seat of his vehicle. His girlfriend happened on the scene moments later and retrieved the child, yet the couple was still somewhat irritated about the whole ordeal. Officials are investigating.
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Daddy Needs His Space
In an act which surely must nominate him for the coveted "Best Guy Move Ever" award, Johnny Sterling Martin of South Carolina, was arrested after faking his death for more than 25 years, all so he could avoid paying child support. Apparently, Martin had a relative call Family Court in 1979, and claim that he'd died in an Alabama bar fight. Since then, he's been living in Myrtle Beach, and was married twice after his "demise" Of course, marriage makes any man feel dead inside, so let's not be too harsh with the judgements, okay ?
Mommie Dearest
People say that motherhood gives a young woman a certain glow. Perhaps the Kaderavek family of Muswelbrook, Australia, saw such a glow as they watched their son's girlfriend hold them hostage, while she threatened everyone with "a chainsaw, machete, and axe." But what of the children ? After all, she may be a psychotic bitch-queen, but why should her unborn child be punished ? "Jail is no place for someone to be carrying a child and it's certainly no place for someone to be having a child, if that can be avoided," said Justice Brian Sully, who freed the teen on bail. And that's why family reunions are so much fun in Australia. Good night, everybody !
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Adorable Lil' Speed Bump
"All I remember about it was that when the truck ran over my head, I could hear my bones crack," said 11-year-old Cameron Schuette, of Michigan City, Indiana. Cameron had trouble remembering the rest of the details (as can be expected) such as "Why his head was under the wheel of a pickup truck in the first place." Uncle Ron was quick enough to take the boy to the hospital; not after he put made the "truck - head - gravel road" connection, but once he noticed "blood running out of the boy's ear" The boy's mother showed a remarkable restraint, commenting only that her boy must have had "an exceptionally hard head"
Highway To Hell
Police in Shelbyville, Tennessee, thought they were chasing a drunk driver for seven miles, but found out differently when they discovered a second grader behind the wheel. The boy apparently wanted to get his drivers license, so he climbed behind the wheel of his parents car, put on his seat belt, and made good use of the turn signals. "Eager to get his driver's license, a 7-year-old boy put on his seat belt and remembered to use his turn signal as he took his parents pickup truck out for a spin, leading police on a slow pursuit around town...It blew my mind." said a witness to the chase.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
Dial 911 For Fun !
Two teenagers in Grand Prairie, Texas, have been arrested on theft charges after stealing an ambulance that was parked outside a suburban home, while drivers inside were trying to help a patient. Unfortunately for the youth, ambulances are equipped with GPS tracking devices, and police officers soon located the missing vehicle. "I wouldn't say there was a pursuit, but they didn't stop immediately," said officer Todd Dearing. "One couldn't run very well because his pants were too low...He was having to hold his pants up with one hand." Stealing an ambulance and then making an half-ass attempt to escape earns you a fist full of felonies in Texas, and the boys will soon face another situation where they try to keep their pants from coming down.
Eleven Germs And Spices
It's adorable when little girls play with barnyard animals. It's painfully adorable when they hug and kiss the sick animals, in hopes that they get better. Slightly less adorable when a little girl contracts "the deadly H5N1 bird flu" because she was hugging and kissing all the sick animals. "The chickens were sick. One had puffed up and she touched it. We told her not to. She loved chickens a lot." said the father of 8-year-old Sumeyya Mamuk. The girl is expected to recover, but the disease ridden chickens have already been shipped off to an American fast-food restaurant near you.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Five Year Old, Or Frat Boy ?
Kids love eating at Applebees. Adults love getting drunk at Applebees. For the love of Sam Johnson, why wouldn't you want to combine the two; kids eating and getting drunk at Applebees ? That's what happened in New York City, where a mother ordered her five-year-old son an apple juice, and instead got a sippy cup full of Long Island Iced Tea. "Seth took two sips and immediately spit it out, but then he couldn't stop laughing and started licking bread baskets." said his mother, who was less than amused by the whole incident. For the record, when I was five, Grimace used to take me behind McDonalds, and we'd smoke opium and chase the dragon together. Dude, that purple motherfucker was hardcore. So this whole Applebees thing...you know, whatever.
Rub-A-Dub-Dub
Yep, children sure are a handful of trouble, even in Australia (where the criminals all live) Robin Toom, age 30, was playing "Hide and Seek" with the little tykes, and failed to realize the inherent dangers of recreational hiding games. Of course, he had a long time to think about it, when he found himself stuck in the washing machine. "I was waiting for the (fire brigade) to come and bring the jaws of life and cut this thing open," he said. Try to wrap that image around your morning waffles; trapped in the dark, temperature rising, your only sexual contact being that "Snuggle" bear who lives in the fabric softener...takes me back to those days in 'Nam. Goddamn, but I miss flaming those rice paddies.
Monday, January 09, 2006
Children = "Little Terrorists"
A family in Houston, Texas, had their travel plans derailed this last holiday season, when TSA officials prevented their son from boarding a Continental Airlines flight because of suspicions that the boy might be a terrorist. This came as a surprise to his parents, mostly because the boy was four years old. Personally, I think it's great, having been seated next to far too many goddamn lil' bastards on long cross-country flights. Last time, it was seven year old "Brian" His parents had decided to fly at the last minute, but there aren't a lot of available seats on the plane at Christmas, so JetBlue gave them different four middle seats, in four different sections of the plane. "Have fun !" chortled Dad, as he left the squinting monster next to me, who immediately rejected the concept of "personal space" and played the "Let's Elbow The Strange Man In The Balls Game" for the next five hours. Brian did relate a interesting story to me, however. Apparently, a friend of his ("Who went to private school" he whispered, in awed, hushed tones) was fooling around in the cafeteria, and was accidently stabbed in his eye with a fork. "But I shouldn't worry," according to Brian, because although his friend was now blind, "he can hear really well now." When I asked the foundling what "he" thought the moral of his story was, he scrunched up his tiny little face, then announced "Private schools are dangerous."
How The American Legislative Process Works
Senator Bill Alter, of Missouri, has introduced a bill that would ban stores from selling cold beer, having gotten the idea from a fifth-grade student at a local elementary school. Because, after all, a fifth-grader with absolutely no experience with alcoholic beverages or their consumption, obviously knows what's best for everyone else in the state. Way to go, you little nerd. Here's another good idea; build large concrete fences around the state of Missouri, and drop all of North America's nuclear waste into the newly secured compound. I can continue to enjoy clean, cheap nuclear power, and Senator Bill Alter can drink warm beer with the mutants. What else is Missouri good for ? Have you ever been to Missouri ? Do any products vital to the survival of the world come from Missouri ? Do they even have a NFL Football team ? (answers - no, no, not really)
|
  
|
