From Sweet Gal Seeking Some Fun, 28, 5'2" -- “This is the hardest part. This is where I have to brag about myself and all my accomplishments. Ha ha.. that's not my style. I'm pretty modest when it comes to this. I'm a spontaneous girl who likes to have fun and laugh. I'm pretty simple when it comes down to it. I'm not into drama. I would like to find someone with similar interests. If we hit it off that's great, if not, oh well...at least I got a friend out of it. I love to scuba dive. My dive buddy moved, so if anyone is game for it, I'm ready to get back out there. I'm looking for a good guy, someone with strong Christian values, but who is not afraid to kick back and enjoy it.”

Dear Sweet Gal,

Just cruising the personals when I stopped at your picture; hubba-hubba ! Then I saw that you liked scuba diving, and I said to myself "Hey, I'd love to bone a chick who's into water sports !!" (just kidding, although I'm down for anything in the bedroom, for real !) In case you haven't noticed yet, I'm always telling jokes cause life is too short !! Here's one - "What's the difference between a bunch of black guys and a set of snow tires ? Snow tires don't sing when you put chains on them !!"

Seriously, I love the ocean. I have a 34' Sportfisher with twin 450hp diesels; when I lived in Florida, I used to have "S.S. Manatee Chopper" written on the side, until the Coast Guard started giving me shit. Even my cat likes to come with me (I call him "ChumFucker" and he's a spitting, hissing, total dick of a cat that hates children) One quarter of my heart doesn't function, because I was critically injured when a 600 pound Marlin lept into the boat, spearing me through the chest. I spent twelve weeks in recovery, and still need to sleep with a blood recirculator next to the bed (I keep telling my buddies to fill the tubes with beer instead of plasma, so I can wake up and drive to work drunk !)

My ideal woman is someone who lives life so hard, that she's almost certain to get cancer. Either skin cancer, cause she spends too much time lying in the sun, or titty cancer, cause she got fixed up with a sweet pair of fake breasts, or liver cancer cause she parties with ME. And I won't even give a fuck, cause I will totally hang with a cancer girl (I mean, shit, she's dating a guy who sleeps connected to a fucking blood machine, right ?) One thing - no pussy cancer, cause I'm going to be down there, and I don't need no "tang" in that "thang" You get pussy cancer, the relationship is over. I want to be perfectly clear about that at the beginning. Do you like cats too ? 

Write soon ! -Darrell

From Loveable, Attractive, Fun Girl, 18, 5'7" -- “I am a very sweet and caring person. I think of myself as a dreamer, always wanting the best that life can offer. Nothing in my description is to excess; I'm not a chain smoker or an alcoholic ( I just like to party), and I'm not planning on children any time soon. Well, I don't have a scanner, so I'll describe what I look like... I have brown hair and green eyes, pouty lips, and long legs. Others say I am pretty, so just take their word for it I guess... I have no opinion on that! I am just looking for someone to talk to and maybe meet one day. And if you ever know about any big parties going on around the Antelope Valley, feel free to e-mail me and tell me. Oh, no old men and no weirdoes please! :) Have a wonderful day.”

Dear Attractive Fun Girl,

Dear Loveable, I laughed so hard I nearly spilled my beer all over the cat (his name is Frenchie, and he’s got long white fur and a temper !) when I read that part in your posting about “no weirdoes” I don’t know if you’ve ever “let it hang out” with a guy as old as me (I'm 73) but back home I dated several girls in their teens who were going to junior college…I just think young girls are fun and filled with spunk ! I like listening to the Dixie Chicks !

I’m going to be an actor , that’s why I moved here from Austin (which is a small town on the Northern coast of Texas) A lady who wants to be my agent is taking pictures of my head to send to movie folk, and let me tell you…it costs a lot of money ! So, to make ends meet, I work in the kitchen of this club in West Los Angeles. The money ain’t great, but the manager is real friendly. He reminds me of how good folk are back home, and the way they take the time to talk to you, greet you with a handshake, or a big old bear hug, or a kiss on the cheek (like Karl does) I guess that’s more of a Los Angeles thing, though. I don’t know of any parties in the Antelope Valley, but it sure does sound like a woodsman’s paradise ! If you give me your address, I’ll come by after work and tell you if you’re pretty (grin) Do you like cats too ? 

Write soon ! –Darrell

From Happy Gal Seek Happy Guy, 27, 5'4" -- “I am sincerity, kindhearted, happy, Have good education, gentle, understanding. Emotionally stable, good character, trustworthy, honest, warm, tender, romantic, loving, Slim, intelligent, good sense of humor. I like the music, sing, art. I like the sport and quiet. I swim, run, dance. and I ofter hold the book to read for a whole day at home. Ideal Person: I like the man is responsible, attentive and considerate, sincere, kindhearted, lovely, humour, bigheated, reasonable...”

Dear Happy Gal,

I still can't believe it's only been a few months. I’ve been reading that last email you wrote to me over and over again, and I still giggle with boyish glee when I get to the part of “leaving me alone for good this time, or I’m going to the police.” You say the most romantic things. I know how you really feel about me. God, it’s like I can read your mind, isn’t it ?

Look, who could have expected that when you had written your first letter to me (“Dear Sir, I am not interested, Please stop changing accounts to get around my E-mail blocking”) that I would have fallen in love so quickly ? Or that you would have loved me so much ? Or that I would fly out to Florida that afternoon to track you down through your IP address ? I can still remember the look you gave me when I first showed up on your doorstep. You were tall, blond, thin, sexy, and oh yes, symmetrical. And most of all, you didn’t look at me with pity or disgust, like most of my other “girlfriends” did when they saw me, legs amputated, with that mangy dog pulling me around on the board with wheels. Even the sight of me so excited that I was drenched in my own urine didn’t seem to phase you..

You were so right. It was a good thing that you kept our first meeting to just a glance, just a whisper of what was to come. And your clever scheme to get the cops to give me a ride back to the airport and “PUT” me on the airplane…well, what can I say ? Sexy, and SMART.

I enjoyed talking to your mother last night. She was the one who was nice enough to give me your new phone number (I guess that now that we are dating, you want to dodge all those other calls from guys) She is such a card, and I think she really likes me. She said that I was different from all the other guys you’ve been seeing recently (but please don’t tell her about my little fib…if she wants to think I’m the president of a large corporation, we should let her. Hell, we’ll be in a limo on our wedding day, so it’s not like she’ll even notice !)

I can’t wait to see you again, and I will….soon. I don’t care what that smart-ass appeals judge says, because “You were meant for me…and I was meant for you !” Did you like that ? It’s by Jewel. I know you like her because a friend of mine was in your apartment and took some pictures for me. I hope you don’t mind, I just wanted to figure out how we’re going to move all of my stuff from the van into your apartment ! Do you like cats too ? 

Write soon ! -Darrell

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