From Waiting for a Good Thing, 26 years old, 5’8” -- I’m looking for someone who’s intelligent, passionate, who has opinions (but is open-minded) silly, adorable, and able to open his heart.

Dear Waiting,

You’re the adorable one. Just looking at your picture, I really feel like I could tell you about the real me, and maybe win your friendship and perhaps something more. My name is Brian. I’m not really from anywhere, because my father is an active member of the U.S. Armed Forces, and I’ve been moving from base to base all of my life. It’s not easy learning how to express your feelings when you live in a military family. Hell, it’s not even easy growing up !

My dad used to drink a lot, and he would come storming into the house late at night and wake up all the kids, screaming at the top of his lungs and throwing my gay brother, Karl, against the wall and calling him “a fairy” and shooting his gun at the cat. Sometimes the Military Police wouldn’t come to quiet him down for hours, because he was a high ranking official. When he got real drunk he used to line the family up in formation, and march up and down the living room, eventually stopping at Mom and calling her “a gook” and “charley”, demanding to know what information she had leaked to the “VC” This really didn’t make much sense, since Mom was clearly Irish and didn’t even look oriental.

The only time we ever stayed in one place long enough for me to get a girlfriend, was at Ft. Gusty, IL. She was my first love, a girl named Alison. We dated for a couple of months, and she was way more experienced than me. I mean, she drank and she smoked and she wasn’t a virgin. The night of my senior prom, she took me in her arms and told me that I was about to become a man. It should have been the best memory of my life, but then Dad spoiled it by coming home early, kicking down my door, staring at Alison, and then whipping his…rifle….out and asking her “How much for some fucky sucky ? Me so horny…five dollah ? Ten dollah ?” in a heavily slurred voice. I never saw her again. Do you like cats too ?

Write soon ! -Darrell

From I'd like to meet good man, 23, 5’8” -- “Hello, I'd like to meet good man. May by it will be you?”

Dear "New Best Friend"

Gee, you seem really nice. I hope you meet lots of people and have a lot of fun here in Los Angeles (the city of angels !) I like meeting people too. I like stamps, and working on handmade quilts (every one of them tells a story) and surfing the internet (isn't that silly ? I mean, where is the water ? Hee-hee !) I don't get to surf the internet much because they only let us have access to the computers for a little time each day, and the guards watch us when we type (Ward is looking at this right now ! Isn't that a hoot ?) I really don't get out much, so I can't tell you about the hot spots in LA, but in six to eight months I'm up for review, and maybe we can find them together. I haven't been in a relationship for quite some time, ever since me and my ex-wife sort of broke up. But don't worry, I'm single now, and she'll never bother us. I'm really, really, sure. Really. I mean, if she came back, I'd be really surprised. It might even get me acquitted, but it'll never happen. Do you like cats too ?

Write soon ! -Darrell

From Fun & young seeks same; Van Nuys, California --“I'm 5'7, 125, dark hair, and green eyes. I'm the type of woman that loves to have fun, and I'm looking for someone who enjoys that same things I do. I am looking for a cute, educated person that showers and doesn't come with bodily odors. I want a man that will not say no, and once you see me you won't. I can be demanding at times, hey, at least I'm honest. I like sexy things, candles, satin sheets and some kinky things too. Only the men that are willing to give me the attention in the form of continuous compliments, need reply. In fact he need not talk sometimes, especially in public. What I really want is someone to just stand there when I go places. Carry my bags, and a little housekeeping skills won't hurt either. I know these points sound weird, but what I GIVE in return to show appreciation will knock you off your feet.”

Dear Fun (& young !)

I just read your ad, and I laughed the whole way through it. I think we would really get along if we ever met ! I also enjoy sexy things, candles, and satin sheets. Sadly, my cat likes to jump up on the bed and he’s ruined several sets of them (his name is Mario, and sometimes we go fishing in a canoe ! He looks over the side and gets real excited !) You seem sweet and funny, just like Molly Ringwald in the movie “Pretty in Pink” I’m looking for a girl with class, sort of like Miss Ringwald’s character in “The Breakfast Club” I’m a hopeless romantic, and I’m not embarrassed to admit that I cry at movies - my all time favorite scene is when Molly Ringwald, playing the part of Samantha Baker in “Sixteen Candles” finally gets the guy at the end...I "totally" didn't expect that to happen ! But PLEASE don’t think that I’m some sort of psychotic freak. I also like movies by John Hughes (Sixteen Candles, The Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink, Weird Science, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, and Some Kind of Wonderful. I think that he is the best writer and filmmaker EVER. I’m really excited, because all of his movies are coming out on DVD, and I can stay at home with Mario and watch them over and over again, and redo the dialogue by myself, and make custom mixes, and record them on Compact Discs for my friends (can’t you just imagine a Molly Ringwald CD with “Don’t You Forget About Me” playing in the background ? I mean, how neat would that be ?) So, that’s what I like. My dislikes are people who talk loud at movies, people who smoke while I’m still eating, and anyone who thinks that “Fast Times At Ridgemont High” is a good example of moviemaking from the eighties, which is a load of horseshit because it neither stars Molly Ringwald nor was it written or directed by John Hughes. I just think it’s ignorant, and I wish people would get all the facts before they come to a decision. Do you like cats too ?

Write soon ! -Darrell

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