Did The Chicken Cross The Road ? Because There Was A Sale At
action is being taken against a group of high school seniors
in Boulder, Colorado, after their principal came to work and
found 39 chickens dressed in red vests and capes, roaming the
hallways. "These pranks, while they might seem funny to
students, are very stressful to the animals involved," said
the local head of the Humane Society.
the school were also upset, as their meager paychecks did not
provide them with the means to dress as nicely as the chickens.
- "Senior Chicken Prank Runs Afowl Of Law" [thedenverchannel.com]
Father "Stern, But Fair" With His Daughter
Groening, of Sherman, Texas, has been arrested on charges of
felony injury to a child, after chasing his 9 year old daughter
down the street in a white Nissan pickup truck and running
her over. Witnesses said that the girl had been running
down the street with her hands over her ears, trying to drown
out the sound of her mother and father fighting.
also reports of the father possibly hitting the girl as she was
lying on the ground, where she was "not moving" but
making "a little noise" according to stunned witnesses.
- "Father Placed Under Arrest After Nine Year Old Girl
Hit By Pickup" [heralddemocrat.com]
Criminal Avoids Jail Time; Pie
an Italian judge found a 17 year old boy "guilty of vandalism,
slander, and disturbing the peace" he ordered the 220lb
boy to go on a diet, saying that the boy was "naughty" and
that a diet would "reinforce his self-esteem"
guess the law works differently in other countries; besides,
a kid that beefy would probably cause a shitload of damage if
you tried to punish him by running him over with your white Nissan
- "Italian Judge Orders Teen "Bully" To Slim Down" [reuters.co.uk]
No Longer Able To Get A "B" In Class
And, in sad
news, former prostitutes will no longer be allowed to teach in
Oregon public schools, according to state Senators. Frustrated
teenage boys all over the state will now have to find another
way to get "ahead"
you ! You've been a great audience !
- "Ex-Prostitutes Not Allowed To Teach In Oregon" [thebostonchannel.com]
Don't Kill Children...Adults Do
Day. An American holiday where we remember all the people who
got shot and killed for the very honorable cause of freedom in
the United States. So it was more than a little ironic when a
4 year old boy in Minnesota, spending a weekend at the lake with
his family, would pick a very, very, very poor place to hide
from the adults; behind a paper target on the shooting range.
The results were somewhat predictable.
- "Boy, 4, Killed During Target Practice" [cnn.com]
Happens When Parents Don't Get Cable
teenagers in Holly Hill, Florida, have been charged with killing
a 53 year old homeless man with their bare hands, so they could
have "something to do"
presents "10 Things To Do Instead Of Killing A Homeless
Man With Your Bare Fists"
Start a stamp collection.
Learn about how Greek people make olive oil.
Ride the bus, ask people what they do for a living, and if it
makes them happy.
Ask people on the street about their religion.
Fry up a mess of catfish.
Do a little jig for the amusement of others.
Tell your parents about that time you erotically showered with
a member of the same sex.
Think about a pet your loved, which is dead now.
Drink some milk.
Call someone in Japan and ask about "rice"
- "Fla. Teens Accused In Homeless Killing" [wral.com]
In Akron Don't Care For Individuality
in Akron, Ohio, killed an 18 year old teenager with a taser,
after observing the boy "shirtless and acting strange in
a horse pasture" this previous Saturday.
In a related
story, all employees of "Hot
Dog On A Stick" in the Southern California region of
the western United States, have been put to a slow, painful death.
- "Police Taser, Kill Teen Acting Strangely In Horse Pasture" [newsnet5.com]
Say Can You See...THIS !!"
a high school baseball coach in Miami, Florida, has been fired
for "showing too much team spirit" Apparently, Collazo
was in the locker room with his team following a loss, at which
point he whipped out his penis and testicles, pointed at them,
and demanded to know if the boys "had a set of these or
were they equipped with a vagina."
In light of
his impromptu biology lesson, Collazo has elected to seek employment
- "Angry High School Coach Allegedly Shows Penis To Team" [thewgalchannel.com]
Need Supervision, Or They Will Attempt To Cut Off Their Own Heads
sixth-grade student in San Antonio, Texas, nearly slashed his
own throat with the help of his friends, according to school
officials. Marcus Mendoza, age 12, tied one end of a "wire-like" string
around his neck, then tied the other end around the waist of
a fellow classmate. His friend then jumped off the bleachers,
and the game of "Let's Decapitate Marcus" was on.
upset about the students not being supervised" said Gabriel
Mendoza, the boy's father. He later added, "From now on,
I'm going to keep the head of my idiot son in a jar, so I can
keep a closer eye on him."
- "Middle School Student Gets Throat Cut In Class" [ksat.com]
New Game Comes To An End
Two idiot teenagers
in Fairfax, Virginia, were arrested on Thursday for making over
350 fake 911 calls from an inactivated cell phone, reporting
everything from fires, imaginary crimes, and "a threatening
be "just" arrested now, but when their parents find
out how much it costs each time to respond to a police or rescue
911 call, the kids might want to stay in jail for their own protection.
- "Police Say Teens Made 350 Fake 911 Calls" [wjla.com]
Doesn't Hate All Children (Just Yours)
school teacher in Waggaman, Louisiana, is being investigated
by school officials after writing an essay about "how much
he hated his job" and then handing out copies to his
students. Parents also weren't amused by the statement "Makes
me think, are these children or animals ?"
said "I'm thinking, you shouldn't be a teacher if you hate
- "La. Teacher Says He Hates His Job In Essay" [abc.com]
Hates Vegetable Shortening, Okay ?
principal of a Christian high school has cancelled graduation
ceremonies after seniors pulled a wild and crazy prank...smearing
doorknobs with Crisco. "Why didn't someone say, 'Hey, we
went too far ?'" said the principal. Indeed, one wonders
if anyone is saying that very same thing to the principal, right
- "Christian School Cancels Graduation Over Senior 'Crisco'
May Never Open Her Legs Again
A woman in
Houston, Texas, has given birth to identical quadruplets, prompting
an onslaught of support from the community. One local car dealership
has donated a van. A real estate company has given the family
a new home, "mortgage free for one year" Of course,
after the year is up, the infants, the mother, and her overproducing
womb will be thrown out into the street, in keeping with local
custom. Yeee-Haw !!
- "Identical Quadruplets Born In Local Hospital" [abclocal.com]
Country Family Vacations Really Suck
When a California
Highway Patrol officer in Newhall, California, pulled over a
Toyota Corolla, maybe he was noticing the "award winning" exterior
styling. Perhaps he admired the well appointed interior. Or maybe
he was focused on the two children locked in the trunk. Who can
Said the arresting
officer, "I have never heard of this...There was no room
left in the car, so [the driver] puts two of the kids in the
trunk. We're trying to get people to buckle up, and this is what
- "Woman Arrested With 2 Children In Trunk" [cnn.com]
Learn About "Happy Hour On Wheels"
know, scary school bus driver don't want to hear your bitching
and moaning. He don't care about your complaints that he's handling
the luggage "inappropriately" And it's not his problem
that he was late, or rude to the children. So why don't climb
up off his ass and let him get back to finishing his alcoholic
drinky before a long day of driving ?
- "Field Trip Bus Driver Accused Of Drunken Driving" [clickondetroit.com]
Teens Never Heard Of "Digital Effects"
two English teenagers were in critical condition in an Essex
hospital, after filling fluorescent light tubes with gasoline
and igniting them "so they could film a light saber
reason why all television and film should be banned, and "Old
Time Radio Hour" starring the embryonic clone of Jack Benny
should be brought back for the entire family to enjoy.
- "Two Hurt In Mock Light Sabre Duel" [bbc.com.uk]
boys and a thirteen year old girl are in police custody after
setting the feet of a 10 year old boy on fire. "Before leaving,
the girl allegedly threatened to harm the three boys if they
told anyone about what happened" said a spokesperson for
the police department.
every woman I've ever dated.
- "Youths Allegedly Set Fire To Boy's Feet" [azcentral.com] (registration
Nerd Doesn't Understand All The Fuss
grade" test provided to a Raleigh, North Carolina school
system, contained an critical mistake, according to the athletics
director of the Salem Middle School. The test, which asks students
to come up with "the average gain for a tem on the game's
first six plays" failed to take into account that the first
four plays resulted in less than ten yards total. The head of
the department in charge of the test fumed "It has nothing
to do with football...It has to do with the mathematical concepts
that you're studying."
- "Educators Fumble Football Math Question" [cbs5.com]
Name Is Toby !!"
a North Texas school district have apolgized to a graduating
senior for a misprint in a high school yearbook, where a picture
of her as part of the school's National
Honor Society lists her name as "Black Girl"
The other students,
all white, were listed by their names.
- "District Apologizes To Student Identified As "Black
Girl" In Yearbook" [thedenverchannel.com]
To Have Nightmares of "Big Metal Claw Monster" For
The Rest Of His Life
age 3, trapped inside of a vending machine at Wal-Mart)
- "Trapped Babe In Toyland" [cnn.com]