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Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road ? Because There Was A Sale At Banana Republic

Disciplinary action is being taken against a group of high school seniors in Boulder, Colorado, after their principal came to work and found 39 chickens dressed in red vests and capes, roaming the hallways. "These pranks, while they might seem funny to students, are very stressful to the animals involved," said the local head of the Humane Society.

Teachers at the school were also upset, as their meager paychecks did not provide them with the means to dress as nicely as the chickens.

Read - "Senior Chicken Prank Runs Afowl Of Law" []

Texas Father "Stern, But Fair" With His Daughter

Travis Eugene Groening, of Sherman, Texas, has been arrested on charges of felony injury to a child, after chasing his 9 year old daughter down the street in a white Nissan pickup truck and running her over. Witnesses said that the girl had been running down the street with her hands over her ears, trying to drown out the sound of her mother and father fighting.

There were also reports of the father possibly hitting the girl as she was lying on the ground, where she was "not moving" but making "a little noise" according to stunned witnesses.

Read - "Father Placed Under Arrest After Nine Year Old Girl Hit By Pickup" []

Tubby Criminal Avoids Jail Time; Pie

After an Italian judge found a 17 year old boy "guilty of vandalism, slander, and disturbing the peace" he ordered the 220lb boy to go on a diet, saying that the boy was "naughty" and that a diet would "reinforce his self-esteem"

Hmmm...I guess the law works differently in other countries; besides, a kid that beefy would probably cause a shitload of damage if you tried to punish him by running him over with your white Nissan pickup truck.

Read - "Italian Judge Orders Teen "Bully" To Slim Down" []

Students No Longer Able To Get A "B" In Class

And, in sad news, former prostitutes will no longer be allowed to teach in Oregon public schools, according to state Senators. Frustrated teenage boys all over the state will now have to find another way to get "ahead"

(rimshot) Thank you ! You've been a great audience !

Read - "Ex-Prostitutes Not Allowed To Teach In Oregon" []

Guns Don't Kill Children...Adults Do

Ahhhh, Memorial Day. An American holiday where we remember all the people who got shot and killed for the very honorable cause of freedom in the United States. So it was more than a little ironic when a 4 year old boy in Minnesota, spending a weekend at the lake with his family, would pick a very, very, very poor place to hide from the adults; behind a paper target on the shooting range. The results were somewhat predictable.

Read - "Boy, 4, Killed During Target Practice" []

What Happens When Parents Don't Get Cable

Two teenagers in Holly Hill, Florida, have been charged with killing a 53 year old homeless man with their bare hands, so they could have "something to do" presents "10 Things To Do Instead Of Killing A Homeless Man With Your Bare Fists"

1) Start a stamp collection.

2) Learn about how Greek people make olive oil.

3) Ride the bus, ask people what they do for a living, and if it makes them happy.

4) Ask people on the street about their religion.

5) Fry up a mess of catfish.

6) Do a little jig for the amusement of others.

7) Tell your parents about that time you erotically showered with a member of the same sex.

8) Think about a pet your loved, which is dead now.

9) Drink some milk.

10) Call someone in Japan and ask about "rice"

Read - "Fla. Teens Accused In Homeless Killing" []

Folks In Akron Don't Care For Individuality

Police officers in Akron, Ohio, killed an 18 year old teenager with a taser, after observing the boy "shirtless and acting strange in a horse pasture" this previous Saturday.

In a related story, all employees of "Hot Dog On A Stick" in the Southern California region of the western United States, have been put to a slow, painful death.

Read - "Police Taser, Kill Teen Acting Strangely In Horse Pasture" []

"Oh, Say Can You See...THIS !!"

Lazer Collazo, a high school baseball coach in Miami, Florida, has been fired for "showing too much team spirit" Apparently, Collazo was in the locker room with his team following a loss, at which point he whipped out his penis and testicles, pointed at them, and demanded to know if the boys "had a set of these or were they equipped with a vagina."

In light of his impromptu biology lesson, Collazo has elected to seek employment elsewhere.

Read - "Angry High School Coach Allegedly Shows Penis To Team" []

Children Need Supervision, Or They Will Attempt To Cut Off Their Own Heads

A sixth-grade student in San Antonio, Texas, nearly slashed his own throat with the help of his friends, according to school officials. Marcus Mendoza, age 12, tied one end of a "wire-like" string around his neck, then tied the other end around the waist of a fellow classmate. His friend then jumped off the bleachers, and the game of "Let's Decapitate Marcus" was on.

"I'm upset about the students not being supervised" said Gabriel Mendoza, the boy's father. He later added, "From now on, I'm going to keep the head of my idiot son in a jar, so I can keep a closer eye on him."

Read - "Middle School Student Gets Throat Cut In Class" []

Fun New Game Comes To An End

Two idiot teenagers in Fairfax, Virginia, were arrested on Thursday for making over 350 fake 911 calls from an inactivated cell phone, reporting everything from fires, imaginary crimes, and "a threatening phone call"

They might be "just" arrested now, but when their parents find out how much it costs each time to respond to a police or rescue 911 call, the kids might want to stay in jail for their own protection.

Read - "Police Say Teens Made 350 Fake 911 Calls" []

Teacher Doesn't Hate All Children (Just Yours)

An elementary school teacher in Waggaman, Louisiana, is being investigated by school officials after writing an essay about "how much he hated his job" and then handing out copies to his students. Parents also weren't amused by the statement "Makes me think, are these children or animals ?"

One parent said "I'm thinking, you shouldn't be a teacher if you hate kids."

Read - "La. Teacher Says He Hates His Job In Essay" []

God Hates Vegetable Shortening, Okay ?

The principal of a Christian high school has cancelled graduation ceremonies after seniors pulled a wild and crazy prank...smearing doorknobs with Crisco. "Why didn't someone say, 'Hey, we went too far ?'" said the principal. Indeed, one wonders if anyone is saying that very same thing to the principal, right about now.

Read - "Christian School Cancels Graduation Over Senior 'Crisco' Prank" []

Woman May Never Open Her Legs Again

A woman in Houston, Texas, has given birth to identical quadruplets, prompting an onslaught of support from the community. One local car dealership has donated a van. A real estate company has given the family a new home, "mortgage free for one year" Of course, after the year is up, the infants, the mother, and her overproducing womb will be thrown out into the street, in keeping with local custom. Yeee-Haw !!

Read - "Identical Quadruplets Born In Local Hospital" []

Cross Country Family Vacations Really Suck

When a California Highway Patrol officer in Newhall, California, pulled over a Toyota Corolla, maybe he was noticing the "award winning" exterior styling. Perhaps he admired the well appointed interior. Or maybe he was focused on the two children locked in the trunk. Who can say.

Said the arresting officer, "I have never heard of this...There was no room left in the car, so [the driver] puts two of the kids in the trunk. We're trying to get people to buckle up, and this is what we find."

Read - "Woman Arrested With 2 Children In Trunk" []

Kids Learn About "Happy Hour On Wheels"

You know, scary school bus driver don't want to hear your bitching and moaning. He don't care about your complaints that he's handling the luggage "inappropriately" And it's not his problem that he was late, or rude to the children. So why don't climb up off his ass and let him get back to finishing his alcoholic drinky before a long day of driving ?

Read - "Field Trip Bus Driver Accused Of Drunken Driving" []

English Teens Never Heard Of "Digital Effects"

On Sunday, two English teenagers were in critical condition in an Essex hospital, after filling fluorescent light tubes with gasoline and igniting them "so they could film a light saber fight"

Yet another reason why all television and film should be banned, and "Old Time Radio Hour" starring the embryonic clone of Jack Benny should be brought back for the entire family to enjoy.

Read - "Two Hurt In Mock Light Sabre Duel" []

Women Are Scary

Two teenage boys and a thirteen year old girl are in police custody after setting the feet of a 10 year old boy on fire. "Before leaving, the girl allegedly threatened to harm the three boys if they told anyone about what happened" said a spokesperson for the police department.

Sounds like every woman I've ever dated.

Read - "Youths Allegedly Set Fire To Boy's Feet" [] (registration required)

Math Nerd Doesn't Understand All The Fuss

An "end-of grade" test provided to a Raleigh, North Carolina school system, contained an critical mistake, according to the athletics director of the Salem Middle School. The test, which asks students to come up with "the average gain for a tem on the game's first six plays" failed to take into account that the first four plays resulted in less than ten yards total. The head of the department in charge of the test fumed "It has nothing to do with football...It has to do with the mathematical concepts that you're studying."

Read - "Educators Fumble Football Math Question" []

"Your Name Is Toby !!"

Officials from a North Texas school district have apolgized to a graduating senior for a misprint in a high school yearbook, where a picture of her as part of the school's National Honor Society lists her name as "Black Girl"

The other students, all white, were listed by their names.

Read - "District Apologizes To Student Identified As "Black Girl" In Yearbook" []

Toddler To Have Nightmares of "Big Metal Claw Monster" For The Rest Of His Life

(boy, age 3, trapped inside of a vending machine at Wal-Mart)

Read - "Trapped Babe In Toyland" []

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